fefa

Home again, home again, jiggity jig…

After too many years away I am at long last going home. Except I have no family there now, or an actual home to visit. So, to where my home used to be, that’s where we're going. Except, we won’t actually be in the burb I primarily lived in. Or in San Francisco, where we used to watch boats dock at Fisherman’s Wharf from our apartment. Or Berkeley, Oakland, Humboldt, Escondido… So really, I could have skipped those first sentences and just said we're going to CA. But in effort to make this a lengthy post to make up for my lack of posts, we are going the long way on this.

Our trip is actually two trips in one. On Mr. Fefa’s trip he will be racing on Laguna Seca during the day while I sexily, yet ever so lady like and classy, cheer him on. I have the perfect polka dot dress, floppy hat, and white gloves for the occasion. And in the evening, we will wine and dine in beautiful Carmel, then return to our quaint hotel to play cards, or perhaps take turns reading to each other from our hotel bible. Either that or ripping out the pages to roll a fatty with and raiding the mini-bar for $12 peanuts. One of those.

After three or four days of this we will be taking a scenic drive along the coast at 100mph to LA, where I will reunite with some of my favorite fellow narcissists. Here we will perhaps visit another beach, catch a movie, tour celebrity homes, and if we’re lucky see someone famous we can discretely get a bad pic of from a really awkward angle because we aren’t so lame that we would ever let on that we noticed that the guy in line behind us at Starbucks was in that movie we totally loved. Who cares about celebrities anyway? According to all my US Weekly’s, celebrities sometimes carry their own groceries, pump gas, walk their dog, even drink coffee…they’re just like us. Not to mention that - OMG! - he just ordered the same drink as me! Hold your camera phone lower so he can’t see, maybe you can get the drink in the pic too. Did you turn off that stupid camera shutter sound it makes?

A few days later we will return home feeling refreshed, relaxed, and ready to get back to every day life.

On my trip I will be joining Mr. Fefa at Laguna Seca Raceway bright and early every morning. When I drop him off. Afterwards I will return to our quaint hotel still in my pajamas, only to find it is not a quaint hotel at all, and actually a fabulous spa hotel located very near to 1. shopping, 2. the beach, 3. I won’t really be at the beach, but at the inside pool, because the water out there is f-ing freazing. And being of Russian descent the concept of tanning is alien to my pale pale skin. Not only will I burn badly despite wearing spf50, but I will be the whitest thing as far as the eye can see. And to be quite honest, I tire quickly of all the tan-able assholes cozying up next to me in hopes the burning glare of the sun coming off my scorched skin like a mirror will reflect on them and better their tan. So congrats on the tan asshole. You look like a saddle.

The spa hotel is something of a surprise I’ve planned for Mr. Fefa. And when I say ‘surprise’ I mean when I tell him about it and he realizes I canceled his hotel reservations and booked us some where a tad more, um….inclusive?, he can’t be mad because I did it with good intentions. For him. And he’s going to be even more excited when he sees the 2 bedroom suite I reserved.

"Why did you get two rooms? We don’t need this much room, Fe! This is ridiculous! How the hell much did this goddamn place cost?!" he will sweetly ask me.

"We do need two rooms though Baby" I will squeeze in when he pauses from his concerns to take a breath.

"What in the hell for?!" he will ask curiously.

"The big one is ours. The other and the pull out couch are for the friends I invited from San Francisco to hang out in Carmel with us for the weekend. Aren’t you excited?".

After I return from dropping him off at the track we will have breakfast and mimosa’s sent up to the room and will spend three to four hours drinking, gossiping, trying on outfits, drinking, maybe eaing some of the breakfast if we’re not feeling all fat and stuff from the drinks and don’t plan to go to the indoor pool, and then figure out what our actual game plan is for the day. I expect somewhere between 11am and 2pm we’ll head out to go shopping. Mr. Fefa will be picked up late afternoon, and we will all return to the hotel for a much needed nap. Or to be too noisy while Mr. Fefa attempts a much needed nap.

Once rested we will all head out for a fabulous dinner somewhere, and the ladies and I will work our magic to insure drinks are free all night long. This is probably one of the few times where my reference to ‘the ladies’ will actually mean other females that are with me, and not refer solely to myself. Take note.

After three or four days of this we will say goodbye to my SF friends and take a scenic drive along the coast at 100mph to LA. Here, I have given the smoking hot and shopping savvy Hilary one month to prepare a plan wherein we will be able to hit as many critical shopping destinations as possible - in 1 day. Though my guidance is not needed by Hilary in this capacity at all, since we only have 1 day to dedicate to this I made extra sure to define "critical shopping destinations" as: a store that upon exiting may result in Mr. Fefa no longer talking to me.

A few days later we will return home feeling broke, dreading work, and be ready to dodge numerous calls from all our credit providers.

posted by Fefa @ 10:27 AM