fefa

Metal death trap of terror...

Not only is that, like, my favoritest Pantera song ever, but it also happens to be my pet name for an airplane. As most of you know when it comes to flying I'm a big fat wuss. And by wuss I mean a completely stressed out inconsolable wreck in an alarmingly attractive package. I mention this as I will be forced to board a death trap of terror when we leave for our vacation this week, and I expect you all to say a prayer for me in the form of shopping so I do not plummet to my fiery demise.

I'm not sure if I will be posting while we are away, but I give you my completely empty promise that I will certainly try. And with that, I leave you with a totally recycled post of a conversation with my dear friend Jakey-Poo, who tried his best to console me the last time I was airborn...

Fefa:
I'm more tense than anything right now. I HATE flying, so a flight this long is going to suck! Plus we still have lots to do before we go. Once we get there though, I'm sure it will be great! And much needed. We've managed a few short trips – mostly holiday weekend stuff like lake travis, vegas, etc, but this will be the first real vacation we've taken in forever.

Jakey-Poo:
The flight will be fine. maybe take a melatonin or something to help you sleep? although you might be pretty excited and might be wound up. i wouldnt suggest drinking too much on the flight, pressure does some funky things when you come off the alcohol high.. you'll be ok..i can definately swing by. i'll need to get with you for keys, alarm code, etc, let me know when i need to get with you for it. we still need to do lunch sometime, let me know if you have time this week or if you are too busy..

Fefa:
That's right, you had some big gossipy secret to tell me…this week is slammed unfortunately, since we're preparing for our absence, I can probably do it the week after we get back…or you can just spill it now. You know, whatever works for you. Like now, for example, would be ok. I'll see if I can find one of our extra keys and one of us can swing by this weekend or something…I've tried the PM stuff before, and I'm usually so stressed it doesn't have much affect on me. This time I'm thinking I'll mix some sort of prescription with alcohol. I hear that can do the trick. Just kidding. I don't have any prescriptions to use. Dammit!

Jakey-Poo:
ooooohhh, wouldn't you JUST love to know ;-) sorry. has to be in person.. its just that way..we'll chat and figure out when to meet up. you can always take NyQuil, which is safe enough to relax you.. dont be grinding up Vicodin with a vodka shot! although, hmmmm....

Fefa:
Any single remedy would be ineffective, so there'd be no real point in pills OR booze. Well there'd be a point, it just wouldn't help with the flight at all. We did upgrade to first class to try to make it a little more relaxing; roomier, better service, and if you're going to be crammed in a metal death trap of terror a mile in the sky that could plummet to your fiery death at any given moment, you know, may as well upgrade, right?

Jakey-Poo:
hmmm...that would suck when it wears off. you'll be fine. its a plane. they RARELY, and i mean, RARELY have issues. the chances are so miniscule, your chances of an accident on the road is so much higher..first class is good! they'll feed you alcohol constantly....

Fefa:
I know it's rare. So far none of my planes have even crashed. I don't know what I'm worried about. Though that just makes odds of this one crashing higher.
Yes, my chances of crashing on the road are higher. My chances of living through a car accident vs. surviving a plane crash are higher too. I'm pretty much inconsolable when it comes to flying. It's the only thing I'm a big baby about. The only thing. I swear. Shut up.

Jakey-Poo:
i agree with your deduction, but my prediction is that you'll be fine. ;)
also remember that if you do go through a plane crash, you'll be gripped with utter terror for about 3-4 mins and then it will be blank. all blank. with a car crash however, the feeling of terror will probably be for about 15 seconds as you see the object/car/wall come at you, but if you survive and lose your limbs or turn into a semi vegetable, then its a lifetime of utter pain, suffering, rage, self pity, horror and all the other absolutely horrible feelings and sentiments. plane crash is the way go to. not that you'll experience it, but... ;-)
what type of plane is it? 767? if so, they are really new planes, very comfortable...

Fefa:
The ticket says: 767-400 As far as I can relax though, that may as well be an old box with cardboard wings duct taped to it. Oh, and seat belts. Cause that's going to help when we smack the water at a bajillion miles an hour. When they find the wreckage they'll be all…oh, look, a pair of 7 jeans tangled up in a seat belt. Sharks must have eaten that body too. Near as we can tell, fefa must have been sitting there. Good thing she had that seat belt on, otherwise we would have never known who it was, or scored this really cute pair 7's. And then some jackass will probably take my jeans home to his dumb fat wife and she'll stretch them all out and shit. So not only do I die, my jeans see injustice after my terrible demise. Great.

Jakey-Poo:
you are cracking me up!
btw, hate to say this to you, but i have always had this weird 'fixation' (might be the wrong word) about planes, plane crashes and how they are designed, etc. (another 'fixation' is Nazi concentration camps, but that's a whole different topic).aircraft design is the epitome of cost of construction versus cost of structural failure and human injury in the worst negative way.. meaning, that their design has very little to do with survival in the event of a crash. even if the pilot can glide the aircraft on to water, at 300+mph, it would shear off of the lower part of the fuselage with catastrophic results..so, 3-4 mins of terror followed by utter silence (i think, unless St. peter/God/Heaven is true, then you might get a friendly visit from one of the devil's disciples ;-) will be the way it goes..and you really dont want to survive a plane crash, its just not something you want to go through..
yeah, there would be a fat chick with your 7 jeans on somewhere..BUT, IT WONT HAPPEN since the plane will be totally fine... :)

Fefa:
Oh, ok. Thanks for the insight. Remind me to poke you in the eye next time I see you.
Actually, I know that. I think it was actually being informed that made me start to fear flying. I used to fly all the time, and enjoyed it even. Then I went and learned stuff. If you don't already watch it, and I presume you don't Mr. No Cable, there's a show you would like on National Geographic that is literally about just that sort of stuff. Called Moment Before Impact or Seconds Before Disaster, or something like that, which more or less covers what does (or doesn't) happen in emergencies like plane crashes, train wrecks, whatever – everything from mechanics, odds of survival, etc. I watched one recently about (go figure) a flight to Hawaii that crashed, and was pretty famous at the time actually, I remember it being all over the news. Well it didn't crash per se, but ripped apart in mid-air, and managed to land eventually. They went over the whole study of why it happened, how, the reason a POS plane they knew had issues was sent out in the first place (mo money for someone, duh); everything you don't want to know. Of course on this one, some people were sucked out and never seen again, some injured, some survived with just the terror of living through it... Interesting series, worth checking out. Crazy About Goats comes on after it, so you'd be all set for the night.

Jakey-Poo:
'Crazy about goats' is my favorite show! i love goat. they are my friend.. its an Indian thing, you blondes wont understand. and that's right next to my other favorite shows, 'How i survived a Mid air Collision over the Pacific', followed by, 'Man eating Sharks in the Pacific- Survival guide for the Pacific Ocean after a plane crash wearing 7 jeans' '. My favorite though is 'The last 3 minutes of my life in a 767'. And the big hit was "Terror on board Continental CO1 to Hawaii'. it was great!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! i just had to... i just couldnt stop! i'm so sorry!! i feel so bad. really...

Fefa:
Well now, someone’s going to feel pretty bad if my plane does go down now, huh? Maybe even worse than your goat friend felt last night. But definitely not worse than that time your written confirmation of goat love was posted on the Internet.

posted by Fefa @ 7:11 AM