Wearing your ratty old jeans is not the same thing as wearing jeans made to look ‘worn’. I know you can’t tell the difference, but we can.
Don’t pop your collar. Just don’t.
Keep your nipples to yourself. Don’t wear it unbuttoned that far, put on an undershirt, or *shudder* band-aid them if you must. Just like you don’t have a use for them, neither do we.
You look good in that striped dress shirt with the sleeves casually rolled back and ‘worn’ jeans. And so does every other man on the planet. Get a new shirt, sans stripes.
There is a difference between sneakers you wear out, and sneakers you actually use for exercisey or dirty sort of activities. Get another pair.
Jewelry is for girls. You may wear one piece at any given time. Two if one is a wedding ring.
Everything you need to have with you should fit in your wallet. No matter what you call it to justify its presence, it’s a purse.
For god’s sake, put on a belt.
I can tell it’s your favorite hat. We all can. Get a new one.
Flannel is for lesbians and lumber-jacks.
Have you learned to tell time all by your little? Good. Let’s move on from that digital eyesore on your wrist.
Get your hair styled. By a stylist. If it cost $9 it’s a cut, not a style. Yes, there is a difference.
If they gave you a spiky hair cut gelled to the heavens they are not a stylist. Find someone else.
Already styled? Fantastic. Let’s remember that hair products are meant to hold our hair in place for that day, not the rest of eternity. Ease up on the gel.
Vintage is totally hot. Disco is not. If you’re not sure, leave it alone.
Fitted shirts look fantastic. When fitted to the right body.
Fitted does not mean skin tight.
Repeat after me: "we do not tuck our pants into our boots".
If we want to see your underwear we’ll let you know. Pull your pants up. Dually, if we want to see your crack, well, we never will. Get a longer shirt.
You can still be manly and have clean nails. Hell, we might even let you touch us if you do.
I don’t care what your guns look like, put on something with sleeves.
The only war we’re fighting on these streets is against crimes of fashion. Lose the camo.
Dress socks go with dressier clothes (yes, sometimes jeans). Classic cotton socks go with casual clothes. Work out socks go with work out clothes. No socks go with sandals. There is no other allowable combination.
Get a trusted female opinion. Or a trusted metro opinion. Anything else may lead to disaster.
posted by Fefa @ 12:54 PM
16 Comments:
nice list, fefa. i'll have to make a permalink back here for when i need to get ready for an evening out. so i get the picture digital watches are NOT ok... how about someting analog and Swiss... does that meet your approval?
Swiss watches are totally fine. If you're mountain climbing. Or casually attired anyway.
Just remember, this counts as your one piece of jewelry.
I think I failed about a third of these fashion rules. I agree with all of them, but sometimes I'm too lazy to put in the effort. But isn't that what marriage is all about?
Being a guy it's easy to look ok without putting in the effort, so long as effort was put into the items when purchased. And she's already put in the effort for you, so you're safe to dress yourself for the most part.
You'll also be glad to know belt buckles are so in right now. Especially if they have a customized scrolling LED screen.
There are belt buckles with a scrolling LED screen? I am more hopeless than I thought.
I need to forward this post to about a dozen guys I know. thankyou, grandemadamefashion for putting it in a list for all of us to use!
what's with the tucking the pants into the boots? do guys really do that? *gagging*
Thomas, there are. And oh! they are fantastic. Not only do you have the current fashionable belt buckle in place, but quite a conversation starter at that. And who doesn't want conversations to start, well, there? Just ask Bryan...
Moi, I know, it's awful. Usually the boot tuck coincides with a tshirt ripped into a tank top and a mullet. If that explains anything. *shudder*
fefa: my avatar always wears an earing... does that mean the real me can't wear a watch?!? oh well. back to the drawing board.
=;-)
I was sort of wondering about the giant hoop earring on your avatar. Are you going for the pirate-time-life-operators-are-standing-by look?
Men who dont wear belts need a SMACK.....................
They also need to be 'pantsed'. Which is what I presume they are hoping for when they wander out of the house all beltless.
Plus, aside from the good laugh at their expense you get out of this, they also wise up to that fashion law pretty quickly as a result.
Brilliant. My favorite words in this blog are "Nipples" and "Sneakers".
Thanks for adding that whole sleeve thing. I have actually seen a guy wear a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off...and his arms are NOT cut up. He looked like a skinny Larry the Cable Guy.
"If they gave you a spiky hair cut gelled to the heavens they are not a stylist." We call this the Gotti Wanna-be's or "Gotti-Be's" for short.
Gotti-Be's, that's good! I'll have to remember that. I've just been calling them dumbass this whole time.
In part because if you do so one of them will turn around when you say it. And also because, well, obviously...
fefa: arrrghhh matey, indeed! a fine, smart lass like you should know all the fashionable pirates on the high seas wear these newfangled bluetooth headsets.
...that reminds me of the #1 top pirate pickup line:
"Prepare to be boarded!"
Mini: have you been here yet?
www.talklikeapirateday.com/
I highly recommend familiarizing yourself with it, along with some friends, and then committing to it for a whole night out.
Ahoy! September 19th is a sacred day in mini-jon-b-land, my fair lass. Talkin' like a fierce Pirate for an entire day! What types of celebrations do you partake in, m'lady?
Signed,
Jon B... a slightly geeky Pirate.
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