You know it's Friday when this video forwarded by Chevy turns into this email after I pass along the forward...
She:
OMG! That's SOOOOOO cute!!
Do you think it's a bad idea to keep a panda as a pet? I mean, it's not technically even an actual bear. I bet he'd get along great with my cat.
fefa:
I know, I watched it like 20 times to achieve maximum cuteness. My only concern with getting a baby panda though, is how are we going to make sure he/she is always sort of sick so it will sneeze a lot? Maybe we can find one with allergies...
She:
Find one that's allergic to bamboo. Problem solved.
I've seen those pandas they've got down here at the Zoo, and they're only moderately amusing in person. I think you have to wait, like, 6 days for them to do something even remotely cute. The rest of the time they sleep on their faux tree branches like lazy assholes. Cute lazy assholes, but lazy assholes nonetheless.
OMG, what's wrong with me? I just referred to pandas as "lazy assholes".
Hahahahahah. I should delete it, but...nah.
fefa:
Whatever. Panda's ARE assholes. Fuck them and their stupid black and whiteness. What are you, too good for color? Blow it out your ass panda bear. I hope you choke on that fucking bamboo stick. And stop calling yourself a bear, you god damn liar. If you're such a bear then tell me the last time you killed and ate a deer with your big bear claws and teeth. What's that? You like vegetation? Maybe we should call you a panda rabbit. How about that, you grass eating hippie. We didn't put up with the "Killer Whale" lies. He's a fucking Orca, and we call him a fucking Orca. All you black and white assholes can just get off your fucking elitist pedestals and kiss my perfectly proportioned pink ass.
She:
Right? The panda is a media machine, and a goddamned filthy liar! It's all a media machine for that money-grubbing no-good Zoo. Ooooh, panda cam! Panda flashlights, panda t-shirts, panda dildos! The pandas at the zoo even have their very own line assistant! This little old lady volunteers HER precious time to stand there hissing into this weird little microphone, giving minute-to-minute about the pandas' activities (there aren't any, you stupid old hag!), plus mind-numbingly boring factoids about how much they sleep, how much bamboo they eat, and how they're too stupid to have sex with each other like every other mammal, so the zoo has to artificially inseminate them. The little old lady will also hiss at you, furiously, to be quiet. Because the fucking pandas are trying to sleep. Really, lady? I mean, REALLY? You need us all to be quiet, standing here in this line like a bunch of morons to watch them...sleep some more? Fuck that, I'm going to be as loud as I can so maybe they'll wake up and do something interesting. Like maybe run a lap, or fight with another panda? They could at least be nice enough to eat part of that weird ice sculpture fruit salad their keepers give them. Seriously, now they're just being rude.
posted by Fefa @ 2:45 PM
13 Comments:
Chevy and I had a similar conversation about those Panda things on the way to the dog park. It's amazing they even evolved to this point in the first place. No wonder their almost extinct. They're barely alive thanks to us humans, and what do they do to thank us? The attack the very heart of America by suing us to change the name WWF into WWE. I'm sure the World Wresting Federation came way before (whatever WWF stands for).
And am I the only one to notice that its sneeze sounded Japanese?
Well, yeah. But don't all sneezes sort of sound Japanese? I mean, 'Aah-Choo'! It's not like when we get a cold and sneeze we're all 'Aah-Smith'!
Perhaps the sneeze could use a little westernization.
Pandas are such divas.
Whoever said such horrible things about such a proud species is probably going to hell. STRAIGHT to hell.
:)
Is running a lap really that interesting? I wanna see them riding a unicycle or juggling or some shit. C'mon Fe, use that perfectly proportioned pink ass of yours to make that happen, huh?
mini - They ARE divas! Just like Mariah Carey. But slimmer. Like I said, all these black & white elitists...
Hil - probably going to hell? Try fo' sho. See you there.
And also on Friday!
J - You want to see them juggle shit? That's just weird. You'll have better luck by the monkey cages for that sort of action.
Also, while my perfectly proportioned pink ass is capable of many a wonderous thing, I don't know that sprouting bamboo for Panda's is one of them. If scoring free drinks will make that Panda move though, then we're all set.
how you and sarah getting away talking like this baffles the medicine gods. Too much fun.
If it weren't for the medicine gods we probably wouldn't come up with stuff like this to talk about. Or drool on ourselves.
If you thought this was amusing, wait until you hear my recent pontification on 'I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha'. Really intruiging stuff, that one.
Hey, I am back blogging.
...snicker...
loved the voice-over. I think the little panda was totally trying to scare mama-panda to death so it would have a larger share of bamboo.
Thomas! The Internet has missed you! Do not ever up and disappear like that again. Ever. I totally mean that, for serious.
Moi, it probably was. I used to do that to my mom when I was a baby. I did not like to share my strained carrots, no sirree.
I love Panda... and just bought a Panda Bag from the following Blogshop:
panda.cwahi.net
Nice to meet you.
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