Five minutes trapped in line at Target...
OMG! How are you?
Oh, um, hey (person that looks kind of vaguely familiar)…
I don’t know think I’m supposed to know this, but I heard you’re pregnant! That’s awesome, congratulations!
Mmmmhmmm, it’s a good thing you mentioned it then, huh?
What do you mean?
I mean, who told you? I’d like to know who I can’t trust.
Oh, I, ummmm…..shoot, I…
I’m just messing with you, it’s ok. At some point people are going to notice I spilled a small child and it keeps following me around everywhere.
Ok, are you sure? Because she…
Yes. Obviously I told people. Otherwise they wouldn't have known and told you.
Oh, yeah. I guess so.
So anyway, I’ve gotta get going here, maybe I’ll see you around or something. (Incredibly clever attempt to drop conversation, what with her being behind me in the checkout line and all. Honestly though, it usually works. Try it some time. Then watch carefully as they slowly figure out you're both still there.)
Ooohh, wait! I want to feel your baby bump.
Oh, um, that’s ok. Thanks though.
Hang on!
No, there’s really no bump or anything yet. (Reaches for me) Seriously, I’m only, like, 4 months, there’s nothing to…and you’re touching me.
*Squeal* Ooohh, I Iove babies. You’re so lucky! You know, if I was pregnant right now then we’d both be pregnant! At the same time!
You don’t say. So I’m just going to…
*Gasp* I just felt it kick! Oh my god, hold still, it’s kicking!
No, it’s not.
Yes! Oh my gosh!
No, I promise you it’s not. See how my stomach is pretty much flat? This thing is only like 4 inches long, it’s not physically possible for me to feel it do anything, much less you. (What a perfect setup for a 'that's what she said' reply, no?)
Oh yeah, well what’s this little bit of a bump here then?
A foot long Philly Cheese Steak with extra onions.
Uh huh, suuure. I know I felt it move.
Seriously, you don’t need to keep touching my stomach. (steps back)
Well wait a second, I know what I felt. (reaching for my stomach again)
Look, I’m not trying to be rude here, but the whole touching me thing can stop now.
Well, then how do you explain it kicking… (again with the hand coming at me)
Actually, I don’t need to explain anything.
No, I’m sure I felt it…
You didn’t feel a kick, Cheese Steaks give me gas. Is that ok? Is there something else you want to tell me about what’s inside my own body? Or is this all just a weak excuse to keep touching me?
Oh, well excuuuse me. You know, you don’t have to share ALL your information with everyone. Seriously, I really don’t need to know about your digestion problems.
Are you sure? Because you seem like you need proof or something. What with all the telling me I’m wrong and touching me.
(Insulted look)
No really, give me your hand again. (reaching for hand) Yeah, but put it riiiight here instead, I can prove it.
Ok, well now you’re just embarrassing yourself.
No really, that’s the best place if you want feel it "kick" again. Let me just show you here…
What is wrong with you? (takes her cart to another line)
Cashier – I would never even know you're pregnant.
I’m not. I don’t even know who that is.
Are you serious?
Maybe you should let security know to keep an eye on her. Just to be safe or whatever.
posted by Fefa @ 4:34 PM
12 Comments:
You know, that's just downright inexcusable. Incredibly fucked up. For shame!!!
(I'm talking about your shopping at Target. That other shit is just plain funny).
I was at Target today too. Where you the one holding up the line?
There so much you can do with gullible people and gas in your bowels.
love it.
J - I know. I have no idea what it is that draws me to Target over and over. I run in there for one thing, and leave thanking God I have an SUV to fit all this crap and wore a killer pair of boots even though they kind of pinch.
Thomas - It's very possible. Did it smell of sexy intrigue and onions when you got to the front of the line?
Bryan - Or just one or the other. Both provide endless amusing opportunities. Especially in public. Just ask Sarah...
Sarah - Not very subtle, my friend. Your response is a clear guise to fool the men folk whilst letting me know it's time for another shopping trip.
*shudder*
I can't believe you got groped like that. what on earth is wrong with people? and in target of all places? aren't there rules for this kind of thing?
you need to start drafting your guide to pregnancy gaffs now...
Oh, and draft it I will. I am already making a mental list, but think I need some more real life taboo encounters in order for it to be worth posting.
Feel free to email me any taboo items you've encountered. I'll credit your items on the post. Or steal them as my own. One of those. dirtymartinis at gmail
And all you pervs taking note of that email address, just know that I won't even give your dirty, filthy, nasty emails a second look, they will go straight into trash and you'll be blocked. Unless you reference this post in the subject line so I know it's not just normal p*rn spam that we all know is never worth the read. Thanks.
Look, I know I can be edgy and a bit of a provocateur at times, but calling me a perv is just plain mean.
Be thankful you weren't at WalMart. You don't want to know how they treat pregnant women there. There is an amateur Ob/Gyn in the hunting section. I don't get the "let me touch your belly" thing. I decline such offers to feel babies kick as I am afraid it will kick start my ovulation and badda bing...instant sea monkey in my uterus.
And badda bing...what are you having, mobster sea monkeys?
What a bitchin' idea! I would totally invest in sea monkeys if they formed little mafia's in there and all started off-ing one another.
BTW - You do know you just basically guaranteed yourself that every time I see you now I'm going to rub my stomach on you. Not that that's any different than before, but still...
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