fefa

Cause it's Friday, you ain't got no...

[When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought]
And they said there’s no such thing as an 8-pack.

[Next time you will make out]
The next time I accidentally overspend at BCBG. More specifically, right around April 14 when the credit card bill arrives.

[Favorite planet]
Well, of all the planets I’ve visited, I’m going to have to go with you’re an idiot. OK, maybe that’s not a planet per se, but it is accurate.

[Who is the second person on your missed calls list]
My old friend Unknown Caller. We always seem to miss each other.

[What is your favorite ring tone on your phone]
A little something called ‘Cingular Tune’. Of all the only one tone that was conveniently preset when I got it that’s definitely my favorite. And oddly, is the only tone nobody else seems to have.

[What shirt are you wearing right now]
I’m not. Oh la la. This here is called a dress.

[What do you label yourself as]
Better than you.

[Brand of shoes you are wearing]
Steve Madden. And it’s a good thing, as it happened that two more pairs of Steve Madden’s arrived a la UPS this morning. They were able to make them feel right at home when they got here.

[Bright or dark room]
Depends, did I just walk in to it?

[What do you think about the person who last took this]
Funny, I was actually just mentioning how weird it is that she and I haven’t actually been shopping together before. You think you know someone…

[If you’re alone in a room with 2 beds, which one do you sleep on]
Both. Right after I have the cabana boy or bellhop, or both, push them together.

[Best song in the world]
Does this matter? My answer will change tomorrow. And will still be right.

[What’s a word you say a lot]
‘A’. And probably ‘the’. ‘Venti’ is a close third though.

[Last furry thing you touched]
This is not that kind of blog, thank you very much.

[How many drugs have you done in the past 5 days]
Well this would be Mon – Fri, so none.

[How many rolls of film do you need to get developed]
The only pics I take that develop do so in about 2 minutes right in my hand. For good reason.

[Favorite age you have been so far]
25. Maybe 26 will be a good year, I’ll let you know.

[Your worst enemy]
Credit limits.

[Last thing you said to someone]
I’ve got far too much on my plate as it is to turn that around today too. And the last thing I though to myself was…what with this here survey needing to be knocked out and all.

[If the person you were talking to on the phone was getting shot at, what would you do]
Probably just ‘mmmhmmmm’ and ‘yeah’ to anything I heard as if I was listening to them in the first place. Besides, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m on the phone…

[Do you do the games in the ads on Myspace]
If I’m on myspace it’s pretty much a guarantee I’m not doing anything that requires even the most remote amount of brain activity. Unless cultivating surveys from people’s posts is using brain power.

[Favorite pj’s]
Onesies. Can't beat 'em with a stick. Well, you could I suppose, but it's not really going to do anything. Unless someone's wearing them at the time. And in my neighborhood, people get killed for that kind of shit.

[What do you do when you pass graveyards]
I, uh, pass them. What the hell am I supposed to do? Stop and ponder? Throw a penny and make a wish? Hold my breath so I don’t breathe in any spirits? Which, btw, for all you breath holders, if spirits were really trying to be all up in your shit do you really think they’d come up to your body and be all like "Dammit! This chick is holding her breath too! Wtf? Who the hell told all the mortals about this?"

[How old do you think you’ll live to be]
Based on my aging process thus far, 25.

[Five things you want to do in your lifetime]
Been there, done that, tried it on, loved it, bought it.

[What do you put on your hamburgers]
Sometimes ceviche, if it’s lunch time. Always avocado. Hold the hamburger either way.

[Do you eat raw hot dogs]
I don’t eat lips, hooves, and assholes. Heated or raw.

[How much salad dressing do you put on your salad]
Lettuce is merely a vessel used to transport dressing from the bowl to my mouth. Ain’t that right, LFC?

posted by Fefa @ 1:54 PM 7 people heart fefa links to this post

On bathrobes and murder...

Not much new and exciting to report. Except that I won the neighborhood pool about one of our neighbors. What did I bet? $20 that he was the epitome of 'he was always so quiet'. Ie. - I presume to enter his home is not to exit from it. For serious y'all, I'm not even being incredibly charming, sexy, and witty this time. I have even been documenting the complete bizarreness of this neighbor to LFC and a few other incredibly well fashioned ladies for quite a while, long before it became news worthy.

I actually placed my bet when he moved in a year ago and I met him for the first time. When he was outside walking his dog in a small, what appeared to be a woman's, bathrobe. I should have increased my wager when I caught him digging in my garbage can about a month ago. But instead, silly me, I just called the police - again - because not only do I not appreciate a man in a completely unattractive robe on my property going through by discards, but also, oh! the ongoing stench that surrounds this person, his home, and thus my attached home two doors down.

This little tidbit here only scratches the surface of how bizarre this all is, and has been. Why, they don't even mention the apparent kidnapping attempt, ant killer used, missing roommate...much less the completely fabulous dress I happened to have on when Fox and ABC came a knockin'. Weird...

posted by Fefa @ 8:31 AM 8 people heart fefa links to this post

Just another excuse to feel me up...

Five minutes trapped in line at Target...

OMG! How are you?

Oh, um, hey (person that looks kind of vaguely familiar)…

I don’t know think I’m supposed to know this, but I heard you’re pregnant! That’s awesome, congratulations!

Mmmmhmmm, it’s a good thing you mentioned it then, huh?

What do you mean?

I mean, who told you? I’d like to know who I can’t trust.

Oh, I, ummmm…..shoot, I…

I’m just messing with you, it’s ok. At some point people are going to notice I spilled a small child and it keeps following me around everywhere.

Ok, are you sure? Because she…

Yes. Obviously I told people. Otherwise they wouldn't have known and told you.

Oh, yeah. I guess so.

So anyway, I’ve gotta get going here, maybe I’ll see you around or something. (Incredibly clever attempt to drop conversation, what with her being behind me in the checkout line and all. Honestly though, it usually works. Try it some time. Then watch carefully as they slowly figure out you're both still there.)

Ooohh, wait! I want to feel your baby bump.

Oh, um, that’s ok. Thanks though.

Hang on!

No, there’s really no bump or anything yet. (Reaches for me) Seriously, I’m only, like, 4 months, there’s nothing to…and you’re touching me.

*Squeal* Ooohh, I Iove babies. You’re so lucky! You know, if I was pregnant right now then we’d both be pregnant! At the same time!

You don’t say. So I’m just going to…

*Gasp* I just felt it kick! Oh my god, hold still, it’s kicking!

No, it’s not.

Yes! Oh my gosh!

No, I promise you it’s not. See how my stomach is pretty much flat? This thing is only like 4 inches long, it’s not physically possible for me to feel it do anything, much less you. (What a perfect setup for a 'that's what she said' reply, no?)

Oh yeah, well what’s this little bit of a bump here then?

A foot long Philly Cheese Steak with extra onions.

Uh huh, suuure. I know I felt it move.

Seriously, you don’t need to keep touching my stomach. (steps back)

Well wait a second, I know what I felt. (reaching for my stomach again)

Look, I’m not trying to be rude here, but the whole touching me thing can stop now.

Well, then how do you explain it kicking… (again with the hand coming at me)

Actually, I don’t need to explain anything.

No, I’m sure I felt it…

You didn’t feel a kick, Cheese Steaks give me gas. Is that ok? Is there something else you want to tell me about what’s inside my own body? Or is this all just a weak excuse to keep touching me?

Oh, well excuuuse me. You know, you don’t have to share ALL your information with everyone. Seriously, I really don’t need to know about your digestion problems.

Are you sure? Because you seem like you need proof or something. What with all the telling me I’m wrong and touching me.

(Insulted look)

No really, give me your hand again. (reaching for hand) Yeah, but put it riiiight here instead, I can prove it.

Ok, well now you’re just embarrassing yourself.

No really, that’s the best place if you want feel it "kick" again. Let me just show you here…

What is wrong with you? (takes her cart to another line)

Cashier – I would never even know you're pregnant.

I’m not. I don’t even know who that is.

Are you serious?

Maybe you should let security know to keep an eye on her. Just to be safe or whatever.

posted by Fefa @ 4:34 PM 12 people heart fefa links to this post

Excuses, reasons, and justifications...


I’m sure you’ve all been staying up nights fretting over what the hell is so damn important I could possibly be dragged away from my beloved pastime of insulting, belittling, disrespecting, and generally singing my own praises by comparison to the general public’s incapacity to meet my standards. Or even dress themselves properly. And there’s no doubt you’ve longed for run-on sentences that take two breaths to complete and require being read back to yourself, aloud, to make any sense of as well. Normally I wouldn’t feel overly compelled, if inclined at all, to explain my actions to anyone. But since in this case it means talking about myself, turns out it’s your lucky day…

Part 1 – Pooh and Kitty have been very ill. It’s pure coincidence this occurred at the same time, life is just fun that way. Sadly, we lost Kitty in December. After much deliberation Mr. Fefa decided he was ready for a new cat because hey, who doesn’t want something to just walk around the house and occasionally spit up on things? So off to Petco we went, and returned with…two cats. Normally I would have fought this, but on this particular adoption Sunday they were offering a two for the price of one deal. Which, is a good deal, so two cats it is. He’s even gone so far as to actually name these two; ‘Ricky Bobby’ and ‘Goddamnit!’.
Pooh, on the other hand, was able to be saved for the nominal fee of 25 brand new pairs of boots. And counting. And if you’ve been here before, you can imagine what that tune sounds like. The good news is, she’s worth more than 25 pairs of boots - to me. And I’m masterfully adept at the art of financial masquerading to cover such expenditures. Let’s not kid ourselves here and act as if 25 pairs of boots wouldn’t have mysteriously appeared in fefa’s closet this past boot season otherwise. The bad news is, of course, 25 pairs of boots did not magically appear in fefa’s closet this boot season.

Appendage B – Work. Enough said.

Scene 3 – Over the past few months here I’ve taken on a rather large project. One that is both all consuming and life changing. I’ve dedicated myself to building an actual, real live, human being. It turns out it’s pretty expensive to just commission one, and it would totally impact my allowance, so I decided to just go ahead and get my own hands dirty. Or some other parts I’m not going to tell you about without you putting the money on the dresser first. So how about that, in addition to having impeccable taste and hair beyond words, I’ll bet you had no idea I was also capable of creating an actual human being, cell by cell, underneath a set of rock hard abs, did you? Sometimes, I even impress myself. Seriously, I could have been a rocket surgeon.

posted by Fefa @ 8:06 AM 9 people heart fefa links to this post